No Words
by AlexisRose84
Summary: "There are no words, not in English, Spanish, Arabic, or Hebrew, that have been invented to explain what it's like to lose a child. The nightmarish heartache of it. The unexplainable trepidation that follows...The child may be gone, but the years the child were meant to live remain behind, solid in the mind like an aging ghost."- D. E. Eliot, Ruined Modern AU John/Anna COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

_**Me: Don't work on any more stories until your others are finished. My muse: Hey, write this now. Okay, this one is a doozy. I am not quite sure why I write angst all the time. If you are searching for less angst, I suggest my new stories **_**Reconnecting **_**and **_**Cruel Summer**_**. This is kind of a hard time in my life (Not awful and I am surviving just fine) but I do think having all these stories going helps to keep me focused on them instead of other things. It's keeping my spirits up. So good news if you like my stories. Should continue like this for a while. Thank you always for taking the time to read what I've written and letting me know what you think. You are all so very kind. **_**Breathe Me**_** should be finished by today or tomorrow. So that'll ease up how many stories I have going at one time. Enjoy! **_

**No Words**

"_There are no words, not in English, Spanish, Arabic, or Hebrew, that have been invented to explain what it's like to lose a child. The nightmarish heartache of it. The unexplainable trepidation that follows. No mother loses a child without believing she failed as a parent. No father loses a child without believing he failed to protect his family from pain. The child may be gone, but the years the child were meant to live remain behind, solid in the mind like an aging ghost. The birthdays, the holidays, the last days of school—they all remain, circled in red lipstick on a calendar nailed to the wall. A constant shadow that grows, even in the dark. As I was saying…there are no words."_

― _D.E. Eliot, Ruined _

He glanced around the parking lot. It was still empty. It was a parking lot where he had been to once a week for nine weeks now. The familiarity he had with the parking lot would make him laugh, if it weren't for the reason he had to come so often.

Scuffing the toe of his shoe against the gravel, he sighed to himself. He grabbed a packet of gum out of his pants' pocket and quickly stuffed a couple of pieces in his mouth. It was one of the few things that could help quell his want for a cigarette. He hadn't smoked in nearly 7 years, but lately he had been craving the stick between his fingers and the calmness it would give him. His fingers twitched just thinking of it, but he shook it away.

His attention was then drawn to the car pulling into the lot. It pulled into its same spot, two spaces apart from his own. Never next to him; never too close. He pushed himself off the side of the car and stood straight, watching as she stepped out of the car. Her eyes were dark, cheeks gaunt, and her frame much smaller than he had ever remembered it. She didn't meet his eyes. Instead, she opened the back door and began to fumble with buckles, before lifting their two year old daughter out of the backseat.

Upon seeing her father, the little girl reached out her arms and began to open and close her hands eagerly toward him. John couldn't help but smile.

"Molly-girl!" He exclaimed, stepping closer. Anna handed Molly over to John. Molly's arms locked around John's neck and she nuzzled her nose against his cheek. Anna reached back into the backseat to grab a few more items to hand to John.

"She moved up a nappy size this week, so I put some in there to last you until you can get to the store," Anna simply told him. Still her eyes didn't meet his. "Molly only has one more day of antibiotics from her ear infection. It's in the side pocket."

Anna perched up slightly and placed a kiss on Molly's cheek. Molly's soft, blonde locks brushed against Anna's forehead and John heard Anna sadly sigh. As she stepped back, her hand rested on Molly's cheek and she locked eyes with her young daughter.

"Be good for Daddy, Molly," Anna said. "I love you."

Immediately, Molly began to panic. The little girl shook her head and reached out for Anna. This happened every time. It didn't matter if Molly was going from John to Anna or Anna to John, she always panicked. It had only been two months since John woke up one day to Anna packing up her clothes and saying she had to leave. Two months since he no longer had her in the bed next to him.

But it was eight months ago that their world fell apart. When everything was lost. When the void opened up within the both of them that would never be filled again.

"Mummy!" Molly cried, her hands sticking toward Anna. This always killed him. He didn't want to see his baby torn between them. Molly still remembered the time before and she was not adjusting well to being passed back and forth weekly between parents.

"I…..Molly, I'll see you in just a little while. You'll have fun with Daddy," Anna murmured, as her finger brushed over Molly's little hand.

John's jaw tightened. He wanted to ask if Anna ever planned on returning back home, but he swallowed those words.

"How's Elsie?" He finally asked, trying to fill the space between them. He watched as Anna shifted uneasily on her feet. Her shoulders shrugged slightly and she bit down on her lower lip.

"She's fine." Anna's responses were always curt nowadays. John nodded. Elsie was Anna's surrogate mother. When Anna had left her home at sixteen, Elsie had taken her under her wing and taken care of her. John wasn't sure where Anna would be today had it not been for Elsie. Anna was now temporarily living with Elsie while she tried to figure out what her next steps were going to be. John hoped those next steps would soon be to return home.

"I should probably get going. Elsie is making dinner," Anna then said, turning to head back to her car.

"Anna, wait," John called out. Anna turned to face him and it was then she met his eyes for the first time. The emptiness within them made him swallow hard.

"What?"

"Saturday is…."

"Leo's birthday," Anna interrupted, her eyes filling with tears. John nodded.

"I was thinking we should do something, just the three of us, on Saturday." He watched as Anna pondered over what he said. John wasn't sure how she would respond to him. She barely ever looked at him anymore; he doubted she would want to spend an entire day together.

"Six," Anna's words wistfully floated through the air. "Six years old." A knot formed in the base of John's throat and he could feel his own eyes welling with tears.

"Okay," she replied a moment later. "I think that's a good idea. What will we do?"

John paused. He hadn't thought that far. "I'm not sure, yet. I'll message you where to meet us on Saturday and what time."

"Okay. Bye Molly." And just like that, she was in her car and gone in a blink of an eye.

"Mummy! Mummy!" Molly whimpered.

"Shh, shh, Molly-girl, you'll see Mummy soon," he whispered in her ear. The small girl rested her head against his shoulder and fussed against his neck. "Hey, how about we get some ice cream?" At those magical words, Molly's head bounced up and she smiled.

"Ice cream?"

"Ice cream," he agreed. He sat Molly down next to him and took her hand, before leading her to the ice cream shop. It was the spot where they met every Thursday for tradeoffs. And every Thursday, he and Molly would get ice cream together. It had become their own little tradition. As much as he enjoyed this special time with Molly, he hoped one day it would disappear. Ice cream once a week to try to ease the pain of leaving one parent to another was not one he wanted to continue. Instead, he hoped he could give Molly her family back.

_To be continued..._

**Let me know if you liked it and would like more. Thank you, as always! **


	2. Chapter 2

_**I'm going to give this chapter a T+ or mild M rating. It's at the end of the chapter. I don't foresee there being anymore M scenes, yet, so for now I'm keeping the story at T. That could change. Who knows what my muse will come up with. **_

**Two **

_One Year Ago_

"Mummy! Daddy! Mummy! Daddy!" The excited yells of their now five year old filled the room and both Anna and John groaned, as they slowly began to wake up. They felt the small boy crawling into their bed from the bottom and climbing up and between the two of them. Anna yawned and placed her head on Leo's head, giving him a small smile. "It's my birthday," he informed her.

"I know," she grinned. "Five years old. Can you believe it?" Anna turned her question to John. John's head shook and he lifted Leo into the air, making him giggle.

"No, I cannot." He flew Leo around for a moment, before placing Leo between him and Anna. Anna nuzzled her nose against Leo's cheek and then placed a kiss in the same spot.

"My big boy," she murmured.

"Mama…Mama.." 16 month old Molly called through the monitor. Anna sighed, before yawning again.

"Maybe one day these kids will let me have a proper lie in," Anna lightheartedly grumbled.

"Probably not," Leo told her with a wide grin. Anna chuckled.

"Here," John said, stopping Anna from getting up. "I'll go and grab her."

Anna pulled Leo into her arms and began to tickle him. While he squealed in delight, his dirty blonde hair tickled Anna's nose.

"Stop Mummy!" Leo told her and Anna pulled away.

"What do you want to do for your birthday?" Leo's little finger rested on his chin and he glanced up thoughtfully. As he figured out exactly what he wanted to do, his hazel eyes shinned.

"Get waffles and then go to the play place and then get pizza and cake for dinner! OH! And presents, of course."

"Of course," Anna agreed.

John came in with Molly on his hip. He placed the tiny girl into the bed, as well, and then climbed back in. Since the sun hadn't even come up yet, he turned the television onto one of the shows both children would watch and cuddled back with his family.

Anna's head turned toward him and she reached across, touching John's cheek. Her fingers caressed the little bit of stubble that had grown overnight.

"We're pretty lucky, aren't we Mr. Bates?" John took her hand into his and pressed a kiss against her knuckles.

"We are, my darling."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_Now_

The brightness of the rising sun made Anna nearly jerk awake. Suddenly, it hit her that she had been dreaming of a year ago. Her hand ran against the emptiness beside her to make sure. A lump formed within her throat and she felt the antagonizing pain flow through her body, like it did every time she was awake. Leo's voice echoed through her mind and all she could was curl herself into the fetal position. Today was Leo's birthday. He should be six today. A sharp sob escaped her lips and she tightened her arms around herself.

The pain was unbearable. Every day the sorrow grew heavier and heavier on her shoulders. She wasn't sure that she would ever be able to be happy again. She was jealous of John. He was handling it better. He was still a good father to Molly and still seemed to function like a normal human being, despite the pain in his chest. She knew he hurt just as much as she did, that he missed Leo like one would miss oxygen.

When he told her Leo had died, she remembered the pain in his voice, the sadness etched across his features, and the way his entire body shook, as he tried to contain the sobs that desperately wanted to escape. While she had held him after the funeral, she recalled the heartbreaking sobs they both shared. They were so intertwined that one couldn't be distinguished from the other.

And yet, John was still strong for her and for Molly. But she couldn't find that strength. Every day, she felt like she was drowning deeper and deeper. She feared that one day, she would be too far under to escape.

"Anna?" Elsie's kind voice called from outside of the door. "I hate to bother you, love, but didn't you say John was going to pick you up at 9? It's 8:30 now."

Taking a shuddering breath, Anna called back, "I…I'm up." She had agreed to ride with John today, yet she still didn't know what he had planned. Regret filled her frame. A large part of her wished she hadn't agreed to today's plans. She wanted to just swallow the sleeping pills given to her by the doctor and sleep the day away. Reminders of what today was already tearing her apart. She wasn't sure she would survive the day with John and Molly.

Slowly, she stood. Her fingers anxiously grabbed at the edge of her sleeves and she opened the door. Elsie was still standing right outside in the hallway. Of course, she was worried about her. It didn't take much to realize that. It was deep within Elsie's eyes. She walked around Anna on egg shells and Anna didn't blame her. Lately, Anna was a mess of sadness and anger. She never knew which one she would get.

"I…I think this is a good idea, Anna," Elsie told her with a smile. "A good way to honor our sweet boy," she added. Anna swallowed hard, but nodded. Elsie had loved her son, too. She had thought of him as her grandson and Anna knew she held that heartache too.

"I…I'm going to shower. If John gets here before I am ready, will you entertain them?'

"Of course, love. You just do what you need to do."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

She hadn't spoken, not yet. When she got into the car, Molly had called out to her, but all she had done was offer her daughter a tight smile. John watched Anna closely, worried he might be pushing her too hard.

He wanted to reach his hand over the center console and grab hers. He missed the intimacy they used to share. If she would let them mourn together, perhaps they could begin to move forward. But she hadn't. The only time they had held one another was after the funeral. Other than that, she had kept to herself, pulling away inch by inch every moment. John worried she would just fade away one day.

When they pulled up to the waffle house, he watched her stiffen in her seat. Her lip caught between her teeth and her hands clasped tightly in her lap.

"I…I thought maybe we could recreate his favorite things today," John carefully stated. He eyed Anna cautiously, unaware of how she would react. His eyes fell to her hands, where her knuckles were growing white from clutching them so tightly.

"O…Okay," she finally stated several moments later. She stepped out of the car and left John to get Molly. Once she was released from her car seat, Molly swung her hands toward her mother.

"Mummy! Mummy! Mummy!" With each cry, Molly's voice got shriller and louder. Anna sighed, but grabbed Molly from John's arms. The little girl giggled because she got her way and she rested her head on Anna's shoulder.

"Let's go inside," Anna stated tersely. John followed Anna and Molly into the building. As soon as they stepped into the doors, both he and Anna stopped short. They were both accosted by memories from just a year ago. Their heads turned to the booth where the four of them had sat and allowed Leo to eat as many waffles as his belly would allow. He saw as a lone tear slid down Anna's cheek and his jaw tightened.

"Perhaps this was a bad idea," John said, into the air. "We can do something else."

"No," Anna said. John could hear the quiver in her voice. "This…this was Leo's favorite place to eat. We…we should eat here on his birthday."

John sighed, but nodded.

They were taken to a booth on the opposite side of the restaurant and John wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. The three of them sat down and in that moment, John realized it was the first time they had been out to eat since Leo's passing. It felt odd with him not there with them. Gone was his laughter that would fill up the empty spaces and the way he would immediately be drawn to coloring on the papers they were given.

Anna and John both ordered food. However, when it was brought out, neither of them ate. Anna cut up some waffle and sausage for Molly, but they just sat quietly. The restaurant was buzzing with noise, but at their booth it was quiet. Molly was happy with her sugary breakfast and didn't seem to notice the awkwardness between her parents.

However, throwing John for a loop, Anna finally spoke toward the end of their time at the restaurant.

"He….Leo, he….he used to love to put sausage on his waffle and then syrup. Such a silly boy." Her voice was full of wistfulness, but it felt good to hear her speak about their son. She often kept everything locked up inside and would rarely say his name.

"He did. I remember when they were out of sausage," John lightly chuckled. "He questioned the poor waitress for nearly five minutes about how they could be out." His eyes met Anna's and he saw her crack the smallest of smiles.

"I had to distract him with something else and then we had to come back the next day so he could get his waffles and sausage." It wasn't much, but John saw the tiniest of a glimmer in Anna's eyes as she retold the story about Leo. He took the opportunity to run his hands across the table and take Anna's into his own. Her hands stiffened slightly, but she didn't pull away.

"Stay with Molly and me today, Anna," he pleaded. "Come home, just for the day. We can order pizza and I got a cake. We can bathe Molly and put her to bed together. Molly would really love that."

Anna's face paled and she pulled her hands away.

"I….I don't know if I can go back there," Anna said, staring at her hands. "The house….it has all the memories of Leo. It's stifling."

"But today is about remembering Leo, isn't it? Just for one day, Anna, please? For Molly? For me?" Anna's eyes rose to John's. She hadn't done anything for either of them in so long. She knew others were mourning too, but she couldn't see past her own. If it weren't for Elsie, Molly wouldn't be getting the attention she deserved while she was with Anna. It wasn't that she didn't want to give Molly that attention, she just _couldn't_. She was a horrible mother and wife and she felt they both deserved better.

"Okay. Just for today."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

They had spent the day recreating Leo's fifth birthday. It was an awkward day, but as it went on, the two were able to share some of their favorite Leo memories. Anna reminded John of how he had mastered the monkey bars a week after his birthday and John reminisced on Leo's love of insects.

When they got to the house that evening, they gave Molly her bath and put her to bed. The little girl smiled the entire day. Anna realized that was the most she had seen her daughter smile in a while.

"Goodnight, sweetheart," John murmured. Molly was already asleep. The day had worn her out.

Stepping out of Molly's room, John went to grab a phone to order pizza. But Anna's hand stopped him. She perched herself up on her toes and placed a deep kiss upon his lips. John instinctively grabbed her shoulders and kissed her back, before shock of what happened took over. He pulled away and met her eyes.

"Anna? What….?"  
But before he could finish, Anna's lips were back on his and she was guiding him into their bedroom. Anna turned their bodies so that her back was toward the bed and pulled John to her. She slid her bottom onto the bed and pushed herself back.

"Anna?" John was confused, but he continued to follow Anna. His body now towered over hers and he could feel Anna tugging at the buttons of his pants.

"Please John," Anna begged. It wasn't a cry for passion, but instead a cry for comfort. Knowing he would do anything to make her feel even the slightest bit better, John assisted her in undoing his jeans. He kicked them off and climbed back over her frame. His lips came down to caress the nook of her neck and her head lifted up to provide him with further access. He tried to take his time to show his love to her, but she was impatient.

Her hands pulled her pants and knickers off. She pushed John off her so she could take off her shirt, before her hands grasped at the end of his shirt and jerked it over his head. Then she grabbed his shoulders and brought him back over her. She then gently grabbed at him and positioned him over her, sliding him inside of her.

It was the first time in over eight months that the two of them had been joined together. John slowly began to rock his hips into Anna and Anna eagerly rocked back in return. Her arms snaked across his back and pulled him closer to her. Then her heels dug into his lower back to push him deeper and deeper.

"I….we need to slow down, Anna. I…I won't last much longer and you haven't had a chance to…." John's words were caught short, when Anna rolled her hips so hard that he nearly cried out in ecstasy. He was unable to get her to stop and within a few more rolls of her hips he was brought to the edge. John slightly fell on top of Anna, keeping his weight on his arms, and felt as she held him tightly against her. As his head dipped next to her shoulder, he felt wetness over his skin. He lifted his head up and saw Anna was crying. John tried to reach his hand up to comfort her, but Anna turned her head away from his touch.

"Anna…" He murmured. He began to roll off of her, but Anna tightened her hold on his body above her.

"Just stay here, with me," she cried, latching her arm around his neck to pull his head back into her shoulder. "Please."

It wasn't until a while later that she let John go. When he rolled off of her, she rolled into his frame and he was able to wrap his arms around her while they both fell asleep.

When he awoke the next morning, he saw she was gone. She had left him at some point like a thief in the night. And it made John question if the day before had only been a dream.

_To be continued..._

**_Thank you for reading! I hadn't planned on updating this story today. I actually had a different story planned, but then my muse changed its mind. Please let me know what you think. Thank you! _**


	3. Chapter 3

**Three **

_Eight Months Ago _

"We're in the car," Anna's voice said through the phone. "We should be home in about twenty minutes." Anna had gone over to Mary's house to help her work on some plans for an upcoming party at Downton Abbey. Years ago, Anna had worked for Mary's family on the estate. Since Anna knew it well, Mary liked to have her input for big events. With Leo being around the age of Sybbie, George, and Marigold, Anna had taken him along to play with the kids. He always enjoyed playing in their big playroom downstairs.

"Okay, my darling, be safe. Molly is already asleep, so we could probably focus on working on kid number three tonight," he playfully told her.

"Oh, John, you silly beggar," Anna laughed. They had been talking about having a third baby. It had taken them nearly two years to get pregnant with Molly when they had started trying. If the wanted a third, they would need to start soon.

"Clocks ticking, Mrs. Bates," John joked. He heard Anna chuckle.

"Alright, Mr. Bates. I am about to start driving, so I'm going to put the phone up now. Love you."

"I love you too."

John hung up his phone and returned his attention to one of his shows on the television. Time passed quickly and soon it had been thirty minutes since he had spoken to Anna. He stood from his spot on the couch and checked his phone.

Perhaps they had gotten stuck in traffic. But then he shook his head. There was never any traffic between their house and the Downton Estate. His thoughts then went to Anna being stopped before she left by Mary. If Mary had come to her car, he knew the two could talk for a long time. He sighed. That was probably it.

Another ten minutes went by and then another. He clicked on Anna's name on his phone and the phone rang until it hit her voicemail. He was beginning to get worried. Next he clicked on Mary's name.

"Hello?" She answered after one ring.

"Hello Mary, is Anna still there?"

"No, she left about an hour ago," Mary replied. John's heart sunk in his chest. "Is she not home yet?"

"No, she is not. I…I need to try to call her again."

"Okay, please let me know when she gets home."

"I will." He hung up the phone and attempted Anna again. His concern grew more and more as each minute passed. This time when he clicked a name on the phone it was Elsie's. He asked her to come over so that he could do the drive and check on Anna. His best guess was that her car had broken down and her phone wasn't working. He didn't even want to think about what else it could possibly be.

About ten minutes later, he heard a knock on the door. Even though Elsie only lived five minutes away, he still thought that was quick for her. But when he opened the door, he found the police standing on the other side of the door. Dread filled deeper into his frame.

"Mr. John Bates?"

"Yes, that's me."

"Your wife and son have been in an accident."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

His entire frame was shaking. He felt like he would collapse floor. The sterile smells of the hospital made him sick. His hands turned over and over in front of him and he took in a deep breath. The doctor had told him he would do it, but John said it needed to come from him.

A car had passed over lines and had hit Anna's car head on, causing Anna's car to roll over the bridge. They had told him Leo had passed away automatically; that he had felt no pain. Tears began to build up behind his eyes again and he had to grasp the wall to keep himself up. His son was dead. How could they ever move on?

A large lump sat at the base of his neck and he couldn't seem to swallow it down. He took several more deep breaths, trying to quell the tears that wanted to fall. He had to be strong. As soon as he walked into the room, he would need to be strong for her.

Slowly, he opened the door. She was asleep. The doctor had informed him that she would likely be unable to stay awake for long periods of time for a few days. She had a concussion and bruised ribs, but despite that, she had come out of the accident unscarred. But John knew that wasn't true. She would be scarred forever after tonight.

He walked up to the bed and sat down next to Anna. He brought her hand into his and ran his shaking fingers over her knuckles. He could have lost her tonight too.

"J…John?" Her voice was weak. He sat up and attempted to put on a brave face for her. He pulled her hand to his lips and placed a kiss against it. Her fingers stretched out to his face and her brows furrowed. "You…you've been crying. What happened?"

"Anna," He began slowly. It was taking him so much strength to keep from falling apart. His hands were trembling. "My darling, you were in an accident. Do…do you remember?" He watched as realization flew over Anna's features. She tried to jerk up in her bed, but because of her bruised ribs she cried out in pain.

"Lay down, Anna, you need your rest," he told her gently.

"Leo! Where's Leo, John?!" Her face was covered in desperation and John swallowed hard. How was he going to tell her? He stood and maneuvered himself so that he was sitting next to her on the bed. He placed his other hand on hers and held the hand tightly within both of his hands. His jaw tightened, as he worked hard to hold the tears in.

"He's okay, isn't he? John?" Her eyes were searching his frantically for a sign that her son was okay.

"Anna, Leo….he…." The lump was growing heavier. Immediately, Anna's face crumbled. He didn't have to say it. Not reassuring her quickly was all she needed to know the answer.

"NO!" It was the most heart wrenching scream John had ever heard. "No! No! No!"

"Anna," John tried to soothe. He brought his hands up to her cheeks and tried to have her look at him. She pulled away harshly from his touch. "Anna…."

Anna turned from him and began to bitterly sob. When he tried to reach out to give her comfort, she refused his touch. All he could do was begin to sob next to her.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_Now_

There was an emptiness in the air. Last night, he had dropped Molly back off with Anna. It was the first time he had seen Anna since their night together. Anna didn't mention it at all. In fact, she avoided his eyes the entire drop off. He wasn't sure if she was trying to pretend like it hadn't happened or if she was upset that it had happened. He knew he wasn't. It had been the first time they had mourned together since the funeral. If only he could get her to mourn with him. He knew it would help strengthen their relationship. Being alone would only tear them apart more.

And now he was back alone in their big home. It was a home they had worked for together for several years. They moved into the house a few months before Leo had been born. It had enough bedrooms for three children. Three had always been their chosen number.

He walked past Leo's room and paused. The door was always shut now. He couldn't look in it anymore. Every once in a while, he would walk into the room to be hounded by so many memories. Today he stood in front of it and placed his hand against the wood.

Touching the wood, he was brought back to times he would walk by the door at bedtime and hear Anna and Leo's laughs on the other side of the door. It brought tears to his eyes. Anna had left the house because of the memories. She said it was too hard.

_"We can sell the house, Anna. We'll come with you," he told her in the middle of the night. He had woken up at 2 a.m. and had found her frantically packing her bags. _

_ "No. I…I have to go alone."_

_ "Anna…"_

_ "I..I just can't be here anymore, John."_

_ "What about Molly?" Anna's lips had trembled and she shook her head. _

_ "I….we'll figure something out. I'll leave her with you for now. I….we'll come up with a way to both have time with her. I..but I have to go now." _

John lifted his frame up and pulled his hand away from the door. He had to finish getting ready for work. Now that he had Molly every other week, his days without her was when he made up for the lost hours. Molly went to childcare during the week, but only for five hours a day. Anna worked for short hours at Mary and Matthew's law firm and had since Molly turned one.

After being home with kids for nearly five years, she had longed to work again. Mary provided her with a job that allowed her to still be with her kids, but also work. John could extend Molly's hours on his days, but her life had been switched up enough. Also, his time with her was short. He had to soak up any time he got.

Thankfully, with his job he shared with Robert Crawley, he could be flexible. He just worked extra-long hours when Molly wasn't home. It helped to fill in the quiet void anyway. Being home alone was stifling to him.

He heard a knock on the door and he paused. A lump formed in his throat. No one had told him they were coming over and unknown knocks often came with bad news. He headed down the stairs and the knocks became less patient.

When he opened the door, he found Mary standing on the other side. Her face was sympathetic. It was an emotion he wasn't used to seeing on her face. He watched as she attempted to turn her lips up into a smile.

"Mary? What's happened? Has something happened to Anna?" It was a fear he had had since they came home from the hospital. More and more she seemed to fade away from everyone. He often worried he would receive news that she had done something drastic.

"No," Mary said kindly. "I…John, I'm so sorry," her words were sincere. She twisted her lips and pulled an envelope out of the bag over her shoulder. Holding it tightly to her chest, she sighed. "I tried to talk her out of it, John. I told her she's being irrational." She handed the envelope over to John. As John's fingers ran over the top of the large envelope, he met eyes with Mary. John felt tears fill behind his eyes and he gave Mary a nod.

"Thank you, Mary," he replied. She nodded in return, before turning and walking back to her car.

Closing the door, John rested his back against it. He quickly opened the envelopes and pulled out the stack of papers.

_Declaration for Divorce_

His hand shook, as he flipped through the papers. The moment he saw Mary pull the envelope out of the bag, he worried that was what he was being given. He wished he could say he was surprised, but he wasn't. When he saw the word custody, his hand stilled on the page. He pulled the paper out of the stack and read over the words.

_Father, John Patrick Bates, will have full custody of daughter, Molly May Bates. Mother, Anna Smith Bates, will have visitation one weekend a month, to be determined by the father. _

John felt his jaw tighten, as his fist did the same to the page. Not only was Anna giving up on him, but she was giving up on Molly too. He felt as red hot surged through his entire frame. He grabbed the vase next to the door and threw it against the floor. His eyes fell over the glass and he sighed, before opening the door and heading straight to Anna's work.

_To be continued..._

**Thank you for reading! Please let me know what you thought. Thank you again. **


	4. Chapter 4

_Thank you all so much for reading, reviewing, following, liking! You are all so kind!_

**Four**

_Six Years Ago _

"Great job, Anna," John murmured into her ear. She exhaustedly laid back on the bed and a happy chuckle left her lips when she heard the cry fill the air. "You were wonderful."

"It's a boy!" Sybil exclaimed, holding the baby up for them both to see. Anna grabbed John's hand and she rested her head against his chest.

"A boy," she happily said. They had wanted it to be a surprise. After years of trying to have a baby, they didn't care what the sex was, of course. So when the time came to find out, they decided it could be more fun to find out the day the baby was born.

After wrapping the baby up into a blanket, Sybil placed the small bundle into Anna's arms. As she stared down at his face, she happily sighed. John's hand came up to rest behind Anna's elbow that was holding up his head.

"He's perfect," Anna said. Her hand pushed the blanket down some so she could see his face better. The baby scrunched up his face and twisted his lips. "What will we name him?"

"Whatever you want, my darling," he replied. They had spoken of names and there was a list of boy names they both liked. However, at this moment, Anna didn't think any of them fit the little boy in her arms. She bent her head down and pressed a kiss to the tip of his nose.

"I like Leo," Anna stated a moment later. "Leo Bates."

"Leo," John tested the name on his tongue and then smiled. "I like it. Will Leo be short for anything? Such as Leonardo or Leonard?" Anna shook her head. "Just Leo then. What about a middle name?

Anna's lips pierced and she glanced up at John. "Patrick, like yours? Leo Patrick Bates." Saying the name, the little boy squirmed in Anna's arms.

"I think he approves," John told Anna. He bent down and took Anna's lips into his own. "I love you, Anna. You amaze me every day."

"I love you too, John."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_Now_

Anna sat on the edge of her bed, her eyes stuck on an invisible dot on the corner wall. From outside her bedroom, she could hear Molly and Elsie giggling together. She knew she should walk out and see what they were doing, but she just felt trapped in this moment. Her body was numb.

Slowly, she stood. She had work in a couple of hours and she would have to drop off Molly on the way. Glancing at the mirror, it mocked her. Her eyes were dark and her cheeks had thinned. It didn't even look like her anymore.

When she stepped into the hallway to go to take a shower, Molly ran right to her. She wrapped her arms around her mother's legs and then reached up her arms for Anna to hold her.

"Up! Up! Pwease up, Mummy!" The little girl begged. Anna bit down on her lower lip.

"Mummy has to take a shower. Go and finish your breakfast," Anna told her, patting her head. Her eyes glanced up and she saw Elsie watching her carefully.

"Up! Up!" Molly continued. When Anna stepped back, the little girl followed her and continued to ask for her mother to hold her.

"Molly, I need to shower," Anna said roughly. The little girl's face crumpled and she began to cry. At that, Elsie walked towards her and picked Molly up. The little girl still reached toward her mother, but Anna pulled away.

"Shh, shh, little one," Elsie murmured in Molly's ear. She patted the back of her head and Molly eventually calmed down and rested her head on Elsie's shoulder. It was then that Elsie gave Anna a pointed glare. "I know your heart is broken, Anna, but you still have a child living that needs you."

Anna's hand came up to rest upon Molly's back. She felt as the small girl's chest rose and fell and her eyes closed. Tears could be felt trying to escape her eyes. Pushing them back, she took a step backwards and her hand slipped from Molly's back.

"I….Thank you for letting me stay here with you, but it's probably time I found my own place," Anna finally stated. Elsie's lower lip dropped.

"Anna, no, you…." But before she could finish her statement, Anna had ducked into the bathroom and started the shower.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

When John drove into the parking lot at the law firm, he saw Mary stepping out of her own car. He must have been mere seconds behind her. Mary saw him too. She stood outside of her door and waited for him to get out of his car.

"Anna doesn't come in for another hour, John," Mary reminded him. A sigh passed through John's lips. He knew that. In his anger at receiving the papers, he hadn't thought through when Anna would be arriving at work. "You can come inside and wait, if you'd like," Mary offered.

"No thank you," John said with a shake of his head. He watched as Mary walked inside and rested his frame against his car.

Taking his phone out of his pocket, he sent out a text to Robert letting him know he would be late to work today. He decided to leave his message vague. Robert would understand either way. Since the loss of Leo, he had been extremely understanding of his business partner's need for flexibility. John felt bad for putting more on his comrade's shoulders, but he tried to make up for it on the weeks that he didn't have Molly. But now that he might have Molly full time, he didn't know how he would manage that. No, he thought. He wasn't going to allow Anna to just give up on them both.

To pass the time while he waited for Anna, John decided to read through the divorce papers. It was pretty simple. Anna wasn't asking for anything. She was giving him the house, all of the things inside of the house, and all of their savings. It was as though she was just going to pretend they never existed. In many ways, that made him angrier. If she wanted to fight for things, at least he would know she had some fight left in her. But it seemed she was barely Anna anymore.

Anna's car pulled up and John immediately put the papers in the side seat and got out of the car. He watched as Anna avoided his gaze. She stepped out of the car and pretended like she didn't see him.

"So that's it, huh?" John called after Anna. Anna's body paused and he could see her shoulders tensing to prepare for a battle. _Good_, he thought, _fight some_. _Show me you are still in there_. Slowly, Anna turned to face John.

"I don't know what you want from me, John. I….it's all in the papers. I'm giving you everything."

"Even Molly," he said sharply. Anna flinched at his words. "Molly adores you Anna and you're just going to give her up?" He watched Anna's features carefully. Her lips twisted uncomfortably and she shifted on her feet.

"I….I'm not giving her up. I….I'll still see her. She'll just stay with you. She'll be happier with you," Anna responded carefully.

"One weekend a month is not enough, Anna. She needs you every day," John replied. Anna's cheeks burned red at his words.

"I've already been admonished by Elsie this morning for being a bad mother; I don't need to be scolded by you, too," Anna angrily stated. "I know I am a bad mum. That's why I am giving her to you. You'll take better care of her. She'll be happier."

"You're not a bad mum," John softly said, taking a step forward and grabbing her elbow into his hand to pull her closer to him. "You are a wonderful mother. I know you love Molly."

"I do," Anna replied. Her lips trembled. She loved her daughter so much that it hurt. "Please sign the papers, John. We'll all be happier."

"I won't," John answered. "I'm not going to give up on us that easily, Anna. I won't be happier away from you."

"Just let me go," Anna stated, as she stepped away from his grasp. "I…I can't do it anymore."

John's calm was fading and he could feel the anger refilling his frame. "You aren't the only one who is mourning, Anna."

"I know that," Anna's words were harsh. "That's why I am leaving you."

"Because it can't be all about you?" John knew he was being cruel, but he was tired. He needed his wife to start letting him in. At his words, however, Anna began to break.

"No," she whispered, her lips trembling. "It's because I can't be there for you. I…I'm not good enough, not strong enough. You deserve better than me; you both do."

John sighed. He reached up and placed his hands on Anna's shoulders. "All I need, Anna, is for you to come home. I need you to let me hold you when you cry. Let us mourn together."

"I…I can't…"

"Why not?"

"Because it should have been me!" Anna cried, her body began to shake harshly. "I should have been the one to die, not Leo. I…I remember the lights coming toward us and…and I didn't do anything. And then…" Her voice completely broke then and a sob left her lips. John stepped forward to try to wrap her into his arms, but she stepped away from him. "Don't touch me! I…I don't deserve it. I….." Her words caught within her throat.

"You do, Anna. It wasn't your fault. A drunk driver came over the line; there was _nothing_ you could do," he assured her.

"But….but…but…I was driving. If I had just….."

"Anna," his hand came up to touch her check and he was grateful when she didn't pull away. His heart ached even deeper. He had no idea that Anna was dealing with this guilt all this time.

"Just let me go," she begged. His jaw tightened and he shook his head.

"You know I can't do that," he told her. Anna nodded. She should have known he wouldn't just sign the papers. If time had taught her anything about John, he didn't give up on anything easily. "I'm not going to sign the papers, not yet. Will you move back home?" Anna shook her head.

"I….I can't."

"We will move, Anna, just please…." Anna shook her head.

"I can't do any of this, John. I…." she felt the words get stuck in her throat. "I'm sorry," she finally replied. "I wish I could be what you need." She perched herself onto her toes and placed a kiss on John's cheek. "I really am sorry."

_To be continued..._

**Thank you for reading! Please let me know what you think. More to come soon. I may need to write a happy one shot to balance out this story and You Cry More. Thanks again! **


	5. Chapter 5

_Thank you all for the kind reviews!_

**Five **

_It was dark out. John could barely see anything except for the occasional lights of cars passing by. He wasn't quite sure where he was or how he had gotten there. Rain began to fall from the sky and he tried to cup his hands around his eyes so he could see clearer. A car whizzed by and after it passed, he could suddenly see. He was at the bridge where it had happened. His heart tightened in his chest and he glanced around. That was when he saw Anna standing on the edge of the bridge. She turned to face him. There was no life in her eyes. _

_ "I'm sorry," Anna called out to him. He began to run toward her, but right as his hands went to reach her, she jumped. _

"Anna!" John screamed. He sat up breathing heavily. "It was a dream, only a dream," he murmured to himself. He swallowed hard. Dreams of Anna disappearing had plagued him for weeks, but this one had been the most vivid. He could still remember the feeling of the rain splattering against his skin.

His hand came up to his chin and he ran his fingers over his lips. His fear of losing Anna was seeping into his sleep. Anna had always been a fighter; one who found the rainbow beneath the clouds. But now he didn't know who this Anna was. He knew her heart was broken. His was too. The whole in his heart was so large that John wondered how he was still alive. There were days, when Molly was with Anna, that he would just remain locked in one spot unable to function. The pain too strong to fight through. Not a moment went by when he didn't miss Leo.

The high piercing sound of his phone ringing made him jump. He fumbled to pick it up and was shocked to see Anna's name come across the screen.

"H..hello?" His voice was groggy.

"John…it….it's Molly," Anna cried into the phone. At that, John woke up completely.

"What's wrong with Molly?" He questioned, fear knotting in his stomach. He could hear Molly's cries in the background.

"She has a really high fever and won't stop screaming. Elsie and I are running her to the hospital. Would you like us to pick you up on the way or meet us there?"

"I'll meet you there." He had already jumped out of the bed and was throwing the closest clothes he could find on his body.

"John?" Anna's voice was small on the other end.

"Yes?"  
"I….I'm scared."

"Me too. I'll see you there."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

After waiting for what seemed like hours, they had finally been taken back to a room. Molly had fallen into a fitful sleep in Anna's arms. John helped her get onto the bed with Molly and then began to pace the room. He knew they would still be waiting a while to see anyone.

Glancing up at Anna, he realized this was the first time he had seen her be a mother, a true mother, to Molly in a long time. Her arms were tight around their daughter and her fingers were running up and down her back. Fear for her daughter's health covered her features. John sighed. Molly had to be okay.

He took a seat on the corner of the bed and took Anna's free hand into his own. Anna's eyes slowly met his and he saw tears threatening to escape Anna's. He had always known that love was a powerful force, but when he had become a father that love had grown even stronger. There wasn't anything greater in life than his love for his children. The loss of Leo would be the most difficult thing he would ever face; John knew that deep in his soul.

A sniffle escaping Anna made John break away from his thoughts. He squeezed her hand and offered her a small smile.

"She's needed me and….and I've failed her," Anna whispered. John's head shook. "She had been just fine before bed. She hadn't been running a fever and was running around. But maybe…maybe I missed something."

"You didn't. Kids get sick and sometimes it hits quickly," John told her. He brought his hand to rest on Molly's back. The nurse had given her some medicine to help bring down the fever, but she still felt warm to John. His jaw tightened.

"I…I'm sorry," Anna's voice was so low that John wasn't sure he had heard her right. But he realized she wasn't talking to him, she was talking to Molly. He watched as Anna brought her lips to the top of the girl's head and kissed her. "I'm so sorry. I love you so very much," she murmured to the sleeping toddler.

"Hello." They both turned to see the doctor poking his head into the door. He gave them both a smile and walked into the room. "What seems to be the matter with Miss Molly here?"

"She's running a very high fever and was screaming," John answered.

"Alright, Mum can you turn her so I can take a look at her please?"

Anna did what was asked of her and Molly whimpered in her arms. The small girl tightened her grip around Anna's shoulders and was refusing to get off of her mother's chest.

"Shh, shh, my love," Anna sweetly said. "Mummy's here. Mummy won't let you go." Anna was able to slowly turn Molly so the doctor could check her ears.

"Ah," the doctor said sitting up. He asked Anna to turn the little girl again so he could check the other ear. After looking at both ears, he nodded. "Double ear infection."

"What?" Anna asked. "She…she just had an ear infection. How is she getting them so often?"

"It could be any number of reasons," the doctor answered. "In the morning, I would call her primary doctor and see about making an appointment. For now, we can prescribe some antibiotics for her."

"Thank you, doctor," John told him. The doctor walked out of the room. When John turned, he saw Anna gently rocking Molly back and forth with tears streaming down her cheeks. He walked back over to Anna and used his thumb to wipe away some of the tears.

"Shh, my darling. She's okay. She's going to be okay."

"Can we stay with you tonight?" Anna asked him. John couldn't explain the way that simple question made him feel. All he could do was nod. "I…I'll have to call Elsie. Let her know Molly is alright and that we are staying with you."

"Of course."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"I'm so glad to hear that, love," Elsie said into the phone. "I'll talk to you tomorrow. Give Molly a kiss from Granny. Goodbye, Anna." Elsie hung up the phone and let out the breath she had been holding. Both of her hands came up to her mouth and she could feel relief flowing over her body. Molly was going to be just fine.

She took a seat on the chair next to her bed and tapped her toes against the floor. She hoped beyond all hope that Anna would decide to stay home this time. As much as she enjoyed having Molly with her all the time, she knew that Anna and Molly belonged at home with John. Anna had been so defeated lately and it worried Elsie. She wasn't the young girl she had known and loved.

At fifteen, Anna had begun working at the Downton Estate under Elsie. There had been a spirit in the young teen that Elsie had noticed very quickly. Anna had a determination to work hard. She didn't say much about her family life, at first. Anna had just come in with a bright smile and hard work ethic. It wasn't until Elsie found her crying in a small closet one afternoon that Elsie learned the terrors Anna was facing at her home. Elsie couldn't believe how Anna's mother would stay with a man like her stepfather. It broke Elsie's heart. When Elsie offered to go to the authorities, Anna had begged her not too. She said she could handle him; that she had always been able to shy away from his advances. Elsie wasn't so sure.

After that day, Anna had come to Elsie often when she was having a bad day. She told Elsie she was saving up for a place to move into when she turned sixteen. Elsie had told her no. She asked her to come and live with her. She didn't want Anna having to grow up too quickly because her mother had married a monster. If she came to live with Elsie, then she could continue to go to school and be a kid. A few weeks later when Anna turned 16, she did just that.

Elsie knew that Anna didn't talk to her family much after that. Once Leo had been born, she knew her mother had tried to contact her, but Anna ignored her efforts to reach out. Elsie didn't blame her.

And now, Elsie considered Anna as her own child. She had been there for her for twenty years now and had been a mother figure for her longer than her own biological mother had. The depression that now covered Anna worried her deeply. She knew Anna had every right to be angry and unhappy at the world, but she also needed her to find that determination again. Anna still had a family to fight for that needed her.

With a deep sigh, Elsie stood and got into her bed. As she fell asleep, she prayed for the girl she called her daughter and her family.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna carefully placed the sleeping Molly in the middle of their bed. The little girl fussed and Anna climbed right into the bed and ran her hand lovingly over her cheek.

"Shh, I'm here," she murmured. Feeling her mother's touch, Molly's eyes fluttered closed. Anna kept her hand on Molly's cheek for a moment, before pulling away and quietly sliding off the bed.

She opened her drawer and pulled out a pair of her pajamas. With a twist of her lips, she lifted them up and frowned. All that seemed to be left behind were some of the less comfortable ones.

"You can borrow one of my shirts," John offered. Anna nodded and opened his drawer to dig through his t-shirts. A lump formed in her throat when she saw the t-shirt Leo had made John in school. It had his hand prints all over it and it said _World's Best Daddy_. Placing her hand over one of the hand prints, she closed her eyes and tried to remember the time she had placed his hand against hers. The two had been comparing the difference in their sizes.

_"Mine is smaller, Mummy," Leo looked up at Anna with a wide grin. Anna bent down and nuzzled her nose against his. Then she closed her fingers over his hand and gave him a grin. _

_ "Yes, but one day yours will be bigger than mine."_

_ "Like Daddy's?"_

_ "Yes, like Daddy's." _

Anna brought up her hand and used the back of it to wipe the tear that was sliding down her cheek. She grabbed the next shirt she saw and took it with her to the bathroom.

As she was undressing, John walked in and looked sheepish.

"I….I'm sorry; I wasn't thinking…." He began to walk back out, but Anna shook her head.

"Don't be ridiculous, John. We're married." She said the words with such ease that John nearly thought he had imagined them. It was almost like she hadn't recently served him divorce papers and that life had gone somewhat back to normal.

Moments later, they both climbed on either side of Molly and began to settle in for the night. Anna slid her arm over Molly's frame and took John's hand into her own. John's eyes opened and he saw Anna's closed. Deciding not to say anything and ruin the moment, he decided to just enjoy it while it lasted.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

A few hours later, John was woken up by a kick in the back by Molly. He sat up to adjust the two year old so that her feet weren't in his back. Glancing over to the other side of the bed, he saw it was empty. Where Anna should be sleeping, she had placed a pillow in an effort to keep Molly from falling off the bed. John swallowed hard. She couldn't have abandoned him again in the middle of the night, could she?

He got out of the bed and propped up another pillow next to Molly. Then he walked into the hallway to see if he could find any signs of Anna. It was then that he saw Leo's door was ajar.

Carefully, John opened the door. At first, he didn't see Anna. His eyes scanned the room and found her sitting in a corner against the wall. He walked over to her and slowly slid against the wall to sit next to her.

"I…I don't know how to live in a world without Leo in it, John," Anna said a few minutes later. "I…I know I haven't been there for you and for Molly like I should, but I….I just don't know how to anymore. Every day, I have this heavy weight on my chest and dark cloud that surrounds me. There was a time in my life where I thought I could overcome anything, but this…this….I can't do it, John. I miss him so much that I physically feel sick. He was only five years old and I didn't protect him. I failed my baby boy. He should still be here….and I…."

"Anna," John lovingly interjected, "You didn't fail Leo."

"But he was with me. It was my job to…"

"A man made the choice to drive drunk. You had no control over that, Anna." Thinking of the man who had been driving the other car made John's jaw tighten. He was glad the man had died in the accident, because he wasn't sure what he would have done to him had he lived.

In the next moment, Anna let out a loud sob and quickly wrapped her arms around John's neck. John brought his arms up around her frame and could feel it shaking with the force of the cries.

"I….I don't know how to do it, John" she cried between sobs. "I don't know how to be a good wife to you and mum to Molly. I…I miss him so much."

John could feel tears now falling down his own cheeks. "You don't have to do anything, Anna," he whispered into her ear. "You just have to be with us. We want you with us, my darling. The pain….it won't go away. We will have it forever. But, when we mourn together and we share that pain, it can make it a little easier to bear."

Anna sat back slightly and wiped her cheeks with her fingers. "I…I want to be with you. I truly do. I just…."

"We can leave this house, Anna. If it's too hard…."

"No!" Anna nearly screamed. It was the first time she hadn't completely ignored him suggesting that. Her face fell slightly and she bit her lower lip. "I'm sorry. I…" Her eyes glanced around the room and her lower lip began to tremble. "This was his home. It was the home we bought for him. He loved it here."

"He did," John agreed. Suddenly, a strong memory of Leo jumping on the bed with his cape billowing behind him filled John's mind. He could hear the innocent laughter filling the room.

"I'm sorry," Anna said into the nook of his neck, when she wrapped her arms back around him. Her body was still shaking sharply and her voice cracked. "I want to be better. I…I want."

"Just come home," he replied. "Please, Anna. Please come home." Anna unhooked her hands from his neck and then ran them down to his shoulders. Meeting his eyes, she nodded.

"Okay."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John had to run into work for a short meeting he couldn't miss that day. During that time, Anna said she would take Molly and run to Elsie's house to grab some of their essentials really quickly. The fact that Anna was going to move back home today made John happier than he had felt in a long time.

When he got home from work, it was later than he had expected. He was disappointed to see that Anna wasn't back, yet. It was getting later and he knew she refused to drive in the dark now.

Just as he was about to call Anna, his phone began to ring. He lifted the phone out of his pocket and saw that Elsie was calling.

"Hello?"

"John? Have you seen Anna?" Elsie questioned.

"No, I thought she was at your house packing her things." Something was off. Why was Elsie looking for Anna?

"She was. Then about two hours ago, she said she needed to run a few errands. I tried to call her cell and she didn't answer. I would think she had gone home if she hadn't left Molly here." John felt his stomach sink.

"Molly is with you?"

"Yes."

"Okay. I…I'll try to figure out where Anna is," he tried to keep his voice calm.

"Please call me when you have spoken to her." John could hear the worry deep within Elsie's voice.

"I will."

He tried to call Anna's cell, but also didn't get an answer. John sighed.

John stepped back outside and felt raindrops falling on his head. He glanced up at the sky and saw the clouds had grown dark. With a worried twist of his lips, he got into his car and began to drive. For some reason, he was drawn to the bridge where the accident happened. While he hoped he was wrong, he had a strong feeling she was there. A pit formed in his stomach and he had to fight back the tears. He couldn't lose her too. She was just now coming back to him. There seemed to be a chance for them to be a family again.

When he pulled up to the bridge, his heart fell in his chest. There was a person standing against the railing. He parked his car on the side of the road and jumped out of his car. He prayed the person standing there wasn't Anna.

The person was just standing at the railing with their hands perched on it and seemed to be looking over the edge. A car rushed by and John sharply inhaled. That person needed to move. Someone could hit him or her. He began to move faster on his feet.

The rain was hitting harder against his body. It was growing harder and harder to see.

But the person turned slightly and that's when he saw it was her. She didn't even seem to register that it was raining. Her eyes were just trained down below her and her hands clutched tightly on the railing.

"Anna!" He called, but the rain was too loud for her to hear him. He rushed even faster. "Anna! Please! Anna!"

_To be continued..._

**Don't hate me too much for that ending. I will try to update again soon! Please drop a review and let me know what you think Anna is up to and what you think will happen next!**


	6. Chapter 6

_I want to thank all of my reviewers! I try to make sure I reply to you all, but I can't to the reviewers who are guest reviewers so I wanted to take a moment to let you all know that I read all of your reviews and they all mean a lot to me. Thank you so very much. I hope this chapter was worth waiting for. _

**Six**

Glancing across the road and seeing no cars coming, John rushed across the street and came up next to Anna. Her body was shivering from the rain and cold, but her eyes were still trained on the street below. This area wasn't heavily traveled, but John still wanted to get her off of it. The cold and rain could make worse conditions and if I car came by it could be dangerous.

"Anna!" He yelled over the sound of the rain and gently placed his hand on her shoulder. Anna jumped and turned to face John. Her eyes widened when she saw John next to her. "What are you doing?!"

"Why are you here?" Anna yelled back. He wasn't sure she heard his question or not. The rain was falling so hard that he could barely hear his own words. John's hand shifted from her shoulder and into her hand.

"Come on," he told her, pulling her slightly. Anna's brows furrowed. She glanced back over the edge and swallowed hard. "Anna! Come on! Don't do this!" Anna slowly nodded and followed John, as he led her back to his car. He helped her in on her side and then ran to the other side.

Once he had turned on the heat, he turned to Anna. "What were you thinking!? We need you, Anna! I thought you were ready to move back with us, was that a lie? I can't believe….."

"What are you talking about?" Anna questioned him, as her body shivered.

"You were standing at the edge of the bridge, looking below. Weren't you thinking about jumping?" He carefully asked. At that, Anna shook her head.

"No….no, John," she said strongly. Her lower lip trembled and her head just shook more and more. "I….I'm so sorry that I made you think….." her words faded.

"Then what were you doing standing there in the rain, Anna? And where is your car?" John felt some relief from Anna saying she hadn't been there to kill herself, but he was still confused. He watched as Anna bit her lower lip and tears began to fall down her cheeks.

"This….this afternoon," she slowly began. "I…I realized my cycle was running late and I wondered if I was pregnant. I….I decided to run to the store to get a pregnancy test and do it there. And….and I'm not," Anna said with a quivering voice. "At first I was relieved, because this would be the worst time, you know?" John shook his head, as his lips curled into a worried frown. "But then….I was sad," Anna's voice cracked. "I…I guess I had been somewhat hopeful." Her eyes glanced outside the window where the rain was starting to slowdown. "But then….then….." Anna broke into tears. John reached his hand across the car and rested it on Anna's back.

"What, my darling? You can tell me."

"Was I trying to replace Leo by wanting to be pregnant?" She finally asked a few moments later. Her lower lip was quivering and John felt his heart clinch at her pain. He slowly shook his head and placed his hand on her cheek.

"No, Anna, no," He replied strongly. More tears fell down Anna's cheeks.

"I….I'm not even a good mum to Molly and here I am hoping for another, trying to replace Leo. I….I'm a mess, John. I….."

"Shh," John soothed. "You are not trying to replace Leo. I am certain of that. And you are working on being the mum you were to Molly. You have so much pain and unhappiness inside of you that I am sure it is confusing all of your emotions." At that, Anna completely broke down. She reached across the center console and wrapped her arms tightly around John.

"I'm sorry I frightened you," she said into his chest. "I…I didn't mean to. My…my car broke down and I began to walk back. I didn't even think to call anyone for help. Then I saw the bridge and….and I just walked up to it. I…I looked down where we had fallen and I…I couldn't look away. I don't know how long I was standing there."

"Shh, it's alright," he murmured. "I'm just glad I found you and that you are okay." He tightened his grip around her and sighed. He couldn't lie and say he wasn't relieved she wasn't pregnant. It was the furthest thing either of them needed right now, but he did understand her emotional disappointment and the fear she had about replacing Leo. He pressed a kiss against the top of her head and slowly ran his hand up and down her wet back.

"We should probably get going. Elsie is worried about you. We can call someone to come and get your car later." Anna nodded.

"Okay."

-X-X-X-X-X-

When they reached Elsie's house, she nearly gasped when she saw they were both soaking wet. She motioned for them to both come in, but also told them to stay quiet because Molly was asleep.

"Anna, love, what's happened to you?" At Elsie's question, Anna just shook her head. "Well, you should go and take a hot shower. John, I'm afraid I don't have anything you can change into here."

"It's alright; I'll be okay." Anna went into the bathroom and Elsie instructed, leaving John and Elsie alone.

"I'll go and make some hot tea," Elsie said to John. "Perhaps, I can find a large t-shirt somewhere."

"Truly, Elsie, I am okay." Elsie nodded and headed into the kitchen to put the pot onto the stove. John followed behind her and took off his heavy and wet coat. He draped it across one of her chairs and shivered slightly when the air touched his skin.

Taking a seat, he began to twist his fingers together. Elsie turned, placed a cup down in front of him, and then took the seat across from him.

"What happened?" Elsie asked.

"I wouldn't even know where to begin," John honestly answered. "She still has a long way to go, but I do think she's headed in the right direction," he finally added. Elsie nodded.

"I think moving back home will do her some good. When she first came here, I should have sent her right back," Elsie said. "I just thought…"

"No, she needed to escape for a little bit. You did what was best for her at the time," John interrupted. "She's very lucky to have you, Elsie."

"Let me keep Molly tonight and you two go back home, have some time for yourselves. Her fever has broken and I have her medicine here. Plus, she's already asleep." John gave Elsie a small smile and slight nod.

"I'll ask Anna, but it should be alright," John answered. He ran his hand over his face and looked over at the clock. It was only a little after seven, so Molly hadn't been asleep long.

"And how are you doing, John?" Elsie asked. A sigh escaped John's lips and he could only shrug his shoulders.

"I take it day by day," he honestly replied. A few tears built up behind his eyes and he had to look up to keep them from falling. He inhaled deeply, before running his hand under his eye to quickly wipe away a tear that had escaped. "The pain is….."

"Overwhelming," Elsie filled in for him and John nodded.

"Overwhelming," John repeated.

A few moments later, Anna walked into the kitchen. She grabbed her own cup and poured herself a cup of tea. Then she sat down next to Elsie. Biting down on the side of her lip, she turned to Elsie.

"I….I'm sorry," she said. "I never meant to…" Her words kept catching in her throat and she felt horrible for not being able to do an appropriate apology for all she had put the woman she considered her mother though. Elsie took Anna's hands in her own and gave them a loving squeeze.

"It's okay, my love." She bent over and placed a kiss on Anna's cheek, before bringing one of her hands up to caress it. "Now you go home with your husband and work on healing together, alright? Tonight I'll keep Molly for you both."

"Are you sure? I…."

"Yes. You both need some time with it being just the two of you. Molly will be just fine here for the night."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

When they walked into the house, all of the lights were off. John quickly ran to turn the downstairs lights on and Anna followed closely behind him. For a moment, she felt overwhelmed by the memories they shared in this house. Very clearly, she could recall the day they brought Leo home for the very first time. John had been so attentive and made sure she had everything she could possibly need for her and the baby.

Glancing back at John, she saw he seemed to be shivering slightly. Most of his clothing had dried, but he had still stood out in the cold rain for several moments with her. She sighed. Stepping forward, she took his hand into her own and leaned her head against his shoulder.

"You have always taken good care of me and the children, but you can't forget yourself," Anna murmured. "I used to do better; I know. I'm going to try….." John squeezed her hand and placed a kiss against her head.

"Shh now, my darling. Do you want me to make you something to eat?" Anna's head shook and she stood up.

"You need to take a hot shower. I'll whip us up something while you shower and change. Then we can eat and talk on the couch or something."

John went upstairs leaving Anna alone in the kitchen. She opened up the cabinets and refrigerator and realized there wasn't much to choose from. She had abandoned John, making him a bachelor who probably didn't feel like cooking much.

In the back of the cabinet, she did find a can of soup. Pulling it out, fresh tears sprung to her eyes. On the side of the can was a superhero and Anna recalled purchasing the can nearly a year ago.

_"We need this, Mummy!" Leo picked up the can and lifted it up to Anna. Anna took the can from Leo's hand and gave him a grin. _

_ "Why's that, Leo?" She questioned, although she knew the reason he wanted the can was because of the superhero who had been pictured on the label. Leo jumped up and pointed to the character. _

_ "He's my favorite," Leo replied. _

_ "Oh yeah, which superhero is this?" Leo shrugged his shoulders. _

_ "I'm not sure, but I like him. Also, soup is good to have if you get sick and I think I have a cough." With that, Leo gave a small fake cough. Anna laughed. _

_ "Oh dear, well, we should probably grab a couple of these then. I don't want my little superhero getting sicker," she played along. Leo nodded enthusiastically and grabbed a few more cans. He helped place them in the buggy. Then he randomly wrapped his arms around Anna's legs, giving her a hug. _

_ "I love you, Mummy." _

The sound of a door closing brought Anna out of her memory. She turned and found John standing at the refrigerator. When he saw she was crying, he stepped closer to her and pulled her into a hug.

"I'm fine," she muttered into his chest. "A memory, it just hit me…."

"Hard."

"So incredibly hard," Anna agreed, her body shuddering against John's. "It was a great memory, though," she added. She pulled back slightly so she could look at her husband. A small smile appeared beneath the tears. "I….I had been trying not to feel any of these memories, but most of them are great memories. Like the day I bought him this soup. He was so excited."

A tiny chuckle left John's lips and he nodded, "I remember him coming home with the cans. He insisted it was his favorite food."

"Yes, but he never ate any of them. He was so picky," Anna's lips curled up into a bigger smile. Her smile faltered some and she stepped back away from John. "I…I didn't make us anything to eat. Should we call in something?"

"Sure."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

As Anna climbed into the bed, she realized it was the first time they had been alone in bed except for a couple of weeks ago when they had made love. She felt slightly uncomfortable acting as though nothing had happened. She had left him; she had been gone for nearly three months now.

John reached for her to pull him into his arms and against his chest. Anna tensed and pulled away slightly.

"I…I'm sorry," she said with a shake of her head. She turned to face him and reached her hand up to touch his cheek. "I guess I'm not sure what to do," she honestly told him. His brows furrowed.

"What do you mean?"

Once again, tears sprung in Anna's eyes and she felt foolish. "I….I left you and now I'm back. Do we just pretend that nothing happened or," she sighed, "I…I don't know."

"We don't have to do anything, Anna. We've been through the ringer, my darling. A loss like we faced, it has a way to make us act in ways we would have never dreamed we would," John stated. He inched himself closer to Anna and Anna curled into his strong arms. "There will be days where we feel like we're okay and then days where you have to be the strong one for me and I have to be the strong one for you. We will just take it one day or moment at a time."

Anna tilted up her head and gave him a small smile, "I am so glad I have you, Mr. Bates," she told him, before taking his lips into her own. Once she pulled away, she melted her body perfectly into his. "Thank you for not giving up on me, on us."

"Never," he whispered into her ear. "I'll never give up on us, Anna. You don't have to be strong; you just have to be here." Anna nodded into his chest.

"I will," she promised, before falling asleep.

And for the first time, in a long time, when John awoke the next morning, she was still asleep right next to him.

_To be continued..._

_**I think there is just one more installment to go. I always knew this would be a shorter story. The good news is that I have three stories in my head waiting to come when a spot opens for a new one. I am deciding between a The Day Our Lives Turned Upside Down Sequel and another season 4 alternate very angsty storyline. Once this story is done, be on the look out for one of those. Thank you so much for reading my stories. It means a lot that you enjoy them. **_


	7. Epilogue

**_Thank you all so much for following me on this journey! Here is the end. I want to say a special thanks to lemacd for letting me bounce my thoughts off you. Enjoy everyone! _**

**Epilogue**

_Two Years Later _

A heaviness settled on Anna's chest as her eyes opened for the day. She suddenly felt her body tense and her eyes fill with tears. She had known today would be hard, but she hadn't known just how hard it would hit her. She felt as John's arms snaked around her frame and pulled her closer to him. He was also awake. She could feel as his tears hit her shoulder. Neither of them talked, however, the pain of the day settled over them like a thick cloud.

Anna pushed herself closer to John and begged for his arms to wrap around her tighter. John seemed to understand what she wanted and Anna turned, burying her head into his chest. The years didn't make this day any easier. In fact, Anna felt like time made it harder. This day would always signify getting older, but a ghost remains the same age forever.

Small footsteps made them both glance to the doorway. There their daughter stood with her hands clasped on the door handle. John sat up and motioned for her to come in. With a smile, the four year old pounced toward him and jumped into the bed. Anna offered Molly a small smile and ran her fingers through her blonde locks. To Molly today was just a day. Even though they had explained to her what today meant, she didn't quite understand the pain that came with it. Her memories of her brother were very small. All she knew of him were the pictures on the walls and what her parents told her about him.

"Do we get pancakes today?" Molly questioned her parents. Anna nodded.

"We do," she said. Molly climbed over her dad's lap so that she was sitting between both parents. Her hands came to rest upon Anna's belly and she gave it a quick rub.

"Does my baby brother like pancakes?" Anna took Molly's hand and led it to where the baby was kicking. Upon feeling the kicks against her hand, Molly began to laugh.

"He does," John replied. "Just like his big brother did." Anna glanced to John and her lips curled up slightly. She then rested her head against his shoulder and sighed.

"Alright, Molly, can you go get your hairbrush so I can comb your hair?" The little girl nodded and jumped off the bed.

Once Molly was out of the room, Anna melted herself deeper into John's frame and felt as John's arms came around her.

"I thought time would make it better," she said into his chest. "He…he would be eight today. I…."

"I know," John replied. His hand fell to the swell of her belly and Anna covered his hand with her own. They had always wanted three children; it had taken them a while to choose to try for another child. And when they did, Anna had hoped it would be a girl. Her fear was that if they had another boy that she would feel like she was replacing Leo. Or that others would act like he was Leo's replacement. She didn't want her new child to live in its big brother's shadow.

It was a boy, however, despite all her wishing and praying for it to be a girl. John had promised her the new baby wasn't replacing Leo; that this was another child they would care for and love, but it wouldn't be the same. Over time, Anna had come to terms with it. John had been right, because there could never be a replacement for their Leo. He still held a huge part of their hearts.

"Finn has been very active already this morning," Anna told John. "I think he might know it's his big brother's birthday." John caressed his fingers over the bump and nodded.

"I'm sure he does."

Anna interlaced their fingers and bit down on her lower lip. Their plan for the day was the same as it had been the past two years. They would go to Leo's favorite breakfast place, then the park, then back home for cake and pizza. A tear fell down Anna's cheek as the reminder that Leo would always be five hit her once more. At eight he would have probably liked to do something different for his birthday, but they can't know what that would be. One day their other children would grow older; they would be six, seven, eight, and so on, but Leo would be forever five.

"Hey," John said, placing his hand under her chin and lifting it up so he could see her eyes. "Are you sure you're up to this?"

With a shuddering breath, Anna nodded her head. "Yes. It's just hard, but it's important to do. Not only for us, but for Molly, too. I want to make sure Molly and Finn always know about their brother. This is a great way to honor him." John gave a somber smile, bent down, and caught Anna's lips within his own.

"I agree," he said, pulling away.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

After a long and draining day, the two molded together as one on the couch and decided to watch some of their favorite videos they had of Leo. This would be their first year attempting this on his birthday. They waited until Molly had gone to bed, because neither was sure just how they would react and they didn't want her to see them as blubbering messes.

Within the first two minutes of the first video, Anna pressed her head into John's chest, but kept her eyes trained on the television. Leo made a funny face and the two giggled through their tears.

"Molly makes that same face," John pointed out. Anna lifted her head to face John and she laughed.

"Well, of course, they both got it from you," she teased. John looked at her incredulously and shook his head.

"No, they did not," he disagreed. Anna's eyes widened.

"Yes, they did!" She argued back, with a smile. John's hand came up to rest upon Anna's cheek and her smile made him smile in return. While their pain could still make them pause and breakdown, he was pleased to see how far the two had come over time. Being able to tease and joke through the pain let him know that they were going to be okay. They would have each other to hold on to the memories of Leo and hold on to one another when they needed that comfort.

John leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Anna's lips, before lifting up and glancing back to the television. "Happy birthday, Leo." Anna bit down on her lower lip and nodded.

"Happy birthday, sweet boy. We will always love you."

"Yes, we will," John strongly agreed. He pulled Anna back into his arms and they continued to watch videos. The two both fell asleep on the couch surrounded by memories of their first child and with one another.

**The End**


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